I broke down and got a blood test at work yesterday, since my estrace was running out and I needed to get more by Friday if the test was positive. "HCG less than 5"
I'm so devastated. No more frosties, no more treatments according to DH. I'm really mad at him that he doesn't see the same value in having another child that I do. And that it's probably is primarily his crummy sperm that are the main issue. I'm the one who goes through all the physical stuff with treatments. I'm so angry/sad that he doesn't share the same feelings about possibly having another. And I'm so mad that he built up my meager hopes for the past two weeks by talking about me being pregnant now, and how we might carry on the family name.
When I checked my email this morning, I had a new one from another Mom who we've long since planned a playdate with on Sunday. In the spring, she'd said they were very hesitant to have a second since the first pregnancy had been so difficult. While writing to confirm the playdate, she decided to drop the bomb that they're expecting #2 in Feb. My heart just crumbled. I know that their success/happiness has nothing to do with mine, but I can't help but see how everyone around me has had or is pregnant with a second. And I do everything I can to make it happen to no avail.
I pray DH changes his mind about another IVF, and soon, because 38 is staring me in the face, and time is really running out.
I HATE IF. And having a child has not taken away any of my feelings of inadequacy and sadness.
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9 comments:
I am so sorry Kate! This really sucks. I really hope that you and your DH can find a way to see eye to eye on this one. And yes, IF totally can go to hell!!! Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Oh no Kate. I am so so sorry, and angry for you too. I don't think this is over for you though. Maybe DH will come around when he sees how absolutely devastated you are (and don't hide it or be strong - he needs to see how sad you are). Or maybe you will get a natural bfp (it is possible) or do a sneaky femara cycle here and there. I don't see how the FET cycles are any different than doing a fresh one to your DH. Either way you could end up with a second child, so his logic makes no sense to me.
I am so sorry about the timing of your friend telling you too. You did not need that on top of this bfn. I feel awfully guilty because we were in the same position with our dh's not wanting a second just a year ago, and I got a surprise. Its not fair and it makes no sense. I just hope hope hope you get the resolution to this that you want too. Hugs.
Damn. Kate, I am so so sorry. Both about the BFN and that you and your dh are not on the same page about this. I hope he can hear you and be more open-minded. I too would be devastated. Thinking of you.
Mo
Oh Kate, I am so sorry. I can understand how angry you are at your DH.
I am so sorry for your loss. How devastating.
So totally freaking unfair. I hate this for you. I hate IF. I hate the emotions it makes us feel. I hate seeing my blog friends suffer. I hate it! Thinking of you, Kate, and hoping that some good can eventually come your way.
Hi Kate
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
We too had a daughter after two rounds of IVF.
We've been trying for a second for the last 15 months.
I'm currently going through my 7th IVF cycle and have no idea what to do if this doesn't work.
Most of my friends have also had their number 2 and 3. It is very difficult to be around them. I am completely avoiding one of my good friends at the moment (pregnnant with number 3).
It's very isolating and sad.
I'll be following your story and hope you can move forward from here.
Caroline
I'm so sorry about the BFN. I wish I could give your husband a shake and put some sense into him for you. Reminding him of the happiness you felt together with the prospect of a second child might help to get him on your side. He very well might come around, but don't push too hard. His feelings are valid too, so try to understand them. If you work to understand his side of things, he might try to understand yours more too.
Abiding with you.
Oh Kate, I am so so sorry.
xo
Kate
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