The evil green monster

My stepsister C emailed my brother, SIL and I two days ago with the subject line "Big News!". Even before I opened the email to read it, I knew what it would say. Yep, she's pregnant and expecting in Jan. Sure I'm happy for her, but I still can't let go of the feeling that I wish it were me announcing a pregnancy. I know it would be hard to go back to baby stuff again now that K is such a big girl at 5, but I really would like to have the opportunity to raise another wonderful kid. And be pregnant again. And see K develop a relationship with a sibling.

The other thing that's going to make it hard is that it will again emphasize the divisions in our blended family. Yes my mother bought us a car seat and a crib when we had K (as well as giving us money for the IVF), which was really sweet, but she never asked if anyone was throwing me a baby shower or if she could throw one to celebrate the long-awaited event. When we got married, she gave us some money and told us to spend it how we wanted to. We planned a civil ceremony, with lunch afterwards for family and a party later on for family and friends. There was no bachelorette party, no bridal shower, nothing. And a few years later, there was most definitely no baby shower. I was pretty hurt by that as she'd even thrown one for a friend's daughter a few years previously.

So now, my stepmother (who is extremely involved in her kids' lives, flying over to England a few times a year to visit the one stepsister, and driving a couple hours quite frequently to visit the now-pregnant one) will be over the moon about this pregnancy. I didn't get the feeling that she particularly cared when we were pregnant. They lived overseas at the time K was born and my Dad certainly didn't bother to come visit. We traveled to see them when K was 2 months old. My stepmother gave us a teddy bear and an outfit after K was born, but that was it. It didn't seem infused with any great enthusiasm. When I kept trying later on to get K to call her Grandma B to help her feel part of our family, she refused to be called Grandma and wanted to be called by her first name only. When we invite my Dad and her to come visit on weekends (they live 10min away), he'll say "I'd like to come over for a bit, but B usually does her grocery shopping at that time". We usually find out after the fact that my stepsister and her husband were in town for the weekend, and are never invited over to see them when they are in town and staying with Dad and my stepmother.

I think I'm going to find it pretty hurtful when she's constantly visiting C to visit the baby when she couldn't be bothered to visit K when she was little. And I'm sure she'll be jumping at the chance to go and babysit for them, while I feel like it's an imposition when we ask her and my Dad a couple times a year if they might be able to have K for a night so that we can go out or so that I don't have to switch my call when DH is out of town.

At least K is excited to have a new cousin. I hope I'm not going to find the week at the cottage constantly faced with pregnant C to be too much of a challenge in August. I think it will be pretty hard, as I haven't really accepted that it's all over for us. And every month I mourn the arrival of AF all over again. And DH still doesn't really get it, and I still feel like a selfish jealous bitch for even thinking this way...